Michael Jones has sent me a lot of puns making their rounds:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married....The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Patient: Doc, I simply can't stop singing “The Green, Green Grass of Home”
Doctor: That sounds like it might be “Tom Jones” syndrome!
Patient: Is it common?
Doctor: Well, “It's Not Unusual!”
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don't believe you,” says Dolly.
“It's true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman… The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage pants at Wal-Mart the other day but d---! I just couldn't find any.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “Of course you can't! I've cut off your arms!”
I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him—Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good—A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
Posted in category “Puns” Wednesday, Jul 26 2006 07:20 AM
For Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
Making the rounds, just came in from Grandma Wendy:
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Posted in category “Puns” Wednesday, Jul 26 2006 07:16 AM
I Won't Buy Your Stuff, But I Might Laugh
Just got an offer for “unbeatable interest rats.” There's no way my cat or dog would tolerate a rat that's unbeatable, even if it was interesting, so I'll have to say no.
Anyone else get a funny spam email? How about “penal enhancement” for your jailbird that doesn't want to leave his institution?
Posted in category “Puns” Tuesday, Apr 26 2005 01:01 PM
Bush in Brussels…
Headline: “Bush In Brussels Hoping Unity Sprouts”
That's gotta go in the 'Pun' category.
(Hat Tip to Say Anything…)
Posted in category “Puns” Monday, Feb 21 2005 02:24 PM
So, I used to have a page that had some puns on it, but I'm going to add a category to the blog for it and move those puns to this posting. As I mentioned before, I am nervous about copyrights, otherwise I'd have a lot more puns here. I get tons in email every day.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I'm sorry,” replied the bartender, “it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.”
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tee pee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tee pee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It's very simple. You're two tents.”
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, “that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?” The man replies, “All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious… Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything—meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything.” “Well,” says the dentist, “that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.” “Why chrome?” asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, “It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
That's all the content from the old page. I'll have to clear some more puns and post them to this category in the future.
Posted in category “Puns” Sunday, Feb 6 2005 09:26 AM